Sunday, 24 June 2012

Feeling flat as a pancake- why, why, why?

Gah! It's happening again today. Nothing terrible has happened - in fact things that could be seen as good have happened- but I feel rotten! I feel on the verge of tears, and I'm so drained.

Had the job interview this morning. I left an hour early to get their on time, but ended up 5 mins late because we got so lost. That set me off kilter a little, but honestly, I didn't get the impression they were overly worried. They had already told me on the phone the place was notoriously hard to find, so I think they were prepared to be slightly lenient.

I think over all I gave a good interview. I think I said all the right things. But now I'm beating myself up. I keep thinking about how much of a loser I am, and how if I get the job I'll just mess it up any way. And about how I won't fit in with all the 'normal' people with 'normal' personalities that work there.

I know- it's a bit self pity trip, right? But that's how I'm feeling. It's the self hating, self- doubting social phobia coming in. Now I've been to the interview the realities of getting out there and being in work environment seem so much more clear and frightening.

If I get this job, I'll be forced out of my safe little cocoon I've made for myself. Don't get me wrong- I hate being at home, alone with my child, with few friends, and too much time to dwell on things. I'm often bored, and feel like a waste of space.

But in saying that, there is a feeling of safety in it. I don't have to challenge myself to be in the company of others, or to be responsible for much other than the needs of my family.

If I go back to the work force, everything about me will be judged. My personality, my skills, my speed and efficiency- everything. What if they don't like me and think I'm weird. What if I'm 'that' person in the workplace, that no-one clicks with? What if I try my hardest, but still can't get the job right? It all seems so real, because I've felt that way in jobs before.

I'm really scared now. What if this job doesn't make things better- what if it makes everything worse? What if I am just a complete failure and waste of air?

Being at home, safe in my cocoon, at least I can deceive myself some of the time that I'm actually a worthwhile person. But paid work shines a light on people and shows them up for what they truly are- valuable, contributing members of society, or valueless scum.

And that brings me to my biggest fear at all. That I don't deserve to be alive. I know that seems like a dramatic leap to make- from not being good in a job to not deserving to live- but that's where my mind goes. Because I feel unemployable and unlike-able and weak, I feel like I don't earn my way in life. I'm lucky enough to live in a country with a welfare system that pays for people like me to have food, clothing and shelter when we are unable to get by on our own. But I feel like such a failure at life that I would never be able to get by on my own without that safety net to catch me each time I fall. I've been on and off government benefits my whole life. So really, if that false safety net wasn't there, I would have not had the money for the essentials of life. And because I feel like I'll never be a capable person, doesn't that mean I'm just draining my community. Wasting money that should go to people who will become productive, contributing members of society. How do I deserve to live?

Wow that got really dark. But that's how I truly feel, and I promised to always be honest on this blog. And I guess writing all this down quickly got me to the source of why I'm feeling so bad today.


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