Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Gripping onto positvity with all my power

I know my last post got pretty dark at the end there. I'm sorry if it was a bit too heavy for some of you, but I've promised myself to always tell the truth here, and those feelings were truthful.

But I refuse to give in to those dark thoughts without a fight.

My daughter is at preschool again today. She went yesterday too, so today is my last day to myself for the week. I got up with her this morning and gave her breakfast, and we watched kid's educational videos on You Tube together. She was in a mood for giving lots of hugs and kisses, and we giggled and played together.  Then I got her dressed. We picked out an adorable outfit together for her to wear. All purples, set off with a purple My Little Pony skirt. She was really excited because the motif on it had a horsey and a ducky and a star. She was full of sweetness and light this morning, and I almost didn't want her to go out the door for the day.

After she left, the house was silent. I thought about all the things I could do, should do, but by 8.40am I'd crawled back into bed for, "just a little more sleep". I didn't wake up again until 12.40pm.

Pangs of guilt. I've wasted so much of a perfectly good, sunny day. But I can't bully myself about it, because I know if I start beating myself up about that one thing, I will not be able to stop. I am merciless when it comes to finding fault with myself. I do not stop until I've scrutinised and reviled every corner of my very essence. Sometimes my body just can't take the mental beating I've given it, and I'll start vomiting. It's not bulimia, I don't want to make myself throw up. It's that I become so distraught and tense that my stomach reacts.

I need to remember that it's just the depression talking. It's like a demon in my head causing me to over-react to every little mistake. The depression fogs me up so badly, I can't see the bigger picture. It makes my world so small, but everything within it is magnified to the extreme.  

So I know that on days like this when I've made a mistake like wasting time sleeping, I need to be extra alert to those negative messages I send myself. I have to spend the rest of the day absolving myself by being as productive as I can. And every time one of those self hating thoughts come to mind, I have to do some pretty advanced mental gymnastics to jump on it before it takes hold. Because the self hatred over small mistakes is an over-reaction.

I started my day feeling so much love and happiness with my daughter. And it's her that I really need to keep those awful thoughts at bay for. She's going to come home from preschool tonight, all excited and  wanting to tell mummy all about it, and needs to find me ready to be focussed on her. So I must recognise what is the small stuff, and forgive myself for it- not for my sake, but because my daughter doesn't deserve her bubble of happiness to be popped by me and my unbalanced self discipline. 


Ami Crazzi said...

She sounds like a lovely little girl. It must be wonderful to see the world as they do all colour and sparkle and nothing is too big to fix.
Try not to beat yourself up so much for going back to sleep, you probably needed it anyway running around after a preschool child is tiresome business without depression the anxiety zapper on top of it :)
Like you said to me treat yourself with kindness ;)
Think of what you did do not what you didn't, you got up got her her brekkie took her to school and have by now picked her up played with her smiled for her and tucked her up in bed. You have fought not just for you but for her today and that is what really matters not that you got an extra few hours shut eye when you had the chance :)

Maya Monroe said...

Thank you :-)

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