The facts and my musings about my life as a mother with mental health problems. How we all cope as a family. Parenting my child through depression and anxiety. Candid, sometimes bleak, sometimes hopeful, but always honest. One post won't tell you my story- follow me to get to know my life.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
But I refuse to give in to those dark thoughts without a fight.
My daughter is at preschool again today. She went yesterday too, so today is my last day to myself for the week. I got up with her this morning and gave her breakfast, and we watched kid's educational videos on You Tube together. She was in a mood for giving lots of hugs and kisses, and we giggled and played together. Then I got her dressed. We picked out an adorable outfit together for her to wear. All purples, set off with a purple My Little Pony skirt. She was really excited because the motif on it had a horsey and a ducky and a star. She was full of sweetness and light this morning, and I almost didn't want her to go out the door for the day.
After she left, the house was silent. I thought about all the things I could do, should do, but by 8.40am I'd crawled back into bed for, "just a little more sleep". I didn't wake up again until 12.40pm.
Pangs of guilt. I've wasted so much of a perfectly good, sunny day. But I can't bully myself about it, because I know if I start beating myself up about that one thing, I will not be able to stop. I am merciless when it comes to finding fault with myself. I do not stop until I've scrutinised and reviled every corner of my very essence. Sometimes my body just can't take the mental beating I've given it, and I'll start vomiting. It's not bulimia, I don't want to make myself throw up. It's that I become so distraught and tense that my stomach reacts.
I need to remember that it's just the depression talking. It's like a demon in my head causing me to over-react to every little mistake. The depression fogs me up so badly, I can't see the bigger picture. It makes my world so small, but everything within it is magnified to the extreme.
So I know that on days like this when I've made a mistake like wasting time sleeping, I need to be extra alert to those negative messages I send myself. I have to spend the rest of the day absolving myself by being as productive as I can. And every time one of those self hating thoughts come to mind, I have to do some pretty advanced mental gymnastics to jump on it before it takes hold. Because the self hatred over small mistakes is an over-reaction.
I started my day feeling so much love and happiness with my daughter. And it's her that I really need to keep those awful thoughts at bay for. She's going to come home from preschool tonight, all excited and wanting to tell mummy all about it, and needs to find me ready to be focussed on her. So I must recognise what is the small stuff, and forgive myself for it- not for my sake, but because my daughter doesn't deserve her bubble of happiness to be popped by me and my unbalanced self discipline.
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- ▼ June (12)
- Hi! I'm Maya and I'm here to blog about my life as a mother with mental health problems. I'm getting a lot out of reading the blogs of others and their experiences, so I'm giving sharing my own a go. I'm pretty approachable, so if you want to talk to me or ask me a question, go ahead :-)