Saturday, 23 June 2012

Wow- this could be life changing.

I haven't been able to blog the last couple of days. Life came and grabbed me out of my seat, kicked me in the pants, and set me on course for positive change.

Fingers triple crossed I reach the destination.

It's Sunday evening here in New Zealand. Early Friday evening I received a phone call that surprised the snot out of me. It was from a preschool I'd applied for a job at. It had been a couple of weeks since I'd applied, and I'd pretty much given up on hearing back. So I was really taken off guard when they rang. Initially, all I heard was preschool, so I thought it was my daughter's preschool ringing about something or other. Then I realised- they were calling to offer me an interview! I must have sounded daft on the phone- casual, then confused, then scrambling to sound professional and enthusiastic!

An interview! Tomorrow! I can't believe it! The job market here is insane these days- supermarket's will advertise a position and have upwards of 2000 applicants. So to even get considered for a job is amazing. An interview? Something about my application must have stood out.

I'm picturing myself in the job. It's an unqualified position in the nursery.  I'd be helping with the under-2's, writing learning stories, hands on. I really think I can do this! I'm actually feeling a little excited about something for the first time in months. I'm thinking about how it will boost my self esteem and confidence. I'll be contributing to society, to our family. We'll have some more money coming in- that will make a huge difference to our problems. I'll have routine in my day. I'll grow some self pride again.

It's a full time position. That will mean big changes. My daughter will have to go into full time care. Right now she does 2 days a week, and she loves it. But five days a week, 8- 5- that's a lot of preschool for a little girl. That's a lot of preschool for me! Even if she copes well with being away from me for that long, will I cope with being away from her? That's why if I get offered the position I'm going to see if I can negotiate some hours for her at the centre I'll be at. I know I'll be there to work, so I couldn't expect to spend a lot of time with my daughter. But even just seeing her for brief periods throughout the day might be good. We might both feel a lot more secure knowing we are both in the same place.

So that all sounds fantastic, right? Well, here are the potential problems I have to be realistic about. Where I'm at right now I feel like I'm capable with coping with the position. My mood is gradually lifting, my new medication is slowly starting to work, and the excitement of something new and positive coming into my life is really giving me a boost. But what happens when my mood inevitably crashes again? When the shine goes out of the world and I lose patience and concentration and become lethargic and tearful again? Will I still be able to maintain a good standard of work? Or will I let them down? Will they resent having someone like me working with them? Will I lose my job?

That's really scary. Really, really scary. Because I hate letting people down, especially those in positions of power. I hate feeling like employers should have employed someone else, because I'm not working well enough for them. I hate feeling like they're stuck with me. I've left jobs before because I've felt I wasn't worthy of the position.

But, I cannot stay frozen in time, not moving forward and striving to do better for myself and my family because of those fears. I have to try, even if I think I won't be worthy somewhere down the track, because if I don't keep cutting out that track in the overgrown jungle of life, I'll get swallowed up and strangled by the weeds of depression.


Fatcat said...

I wish you the very best in this. I know what it's like to deal with depression. I hope the interview goes well. Maybe you can work it out so that your daughter goes to the same preschool?

Maya Monroe said...

Thank you so much. I hope I'm not being unrealistic. If I do get the job I'll try and get her some hours at the preschool with me :-)

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